1. Van Helsing (2004)
I wanted to like this movie, dammit, but it's just... it makes no sense at times. Like, somehow the hero can drive a stagecoach, of galloping horses, at a full gallop, for hours, at night, in 1800s Eastern Europe. Yeah. Uh, no. HORSES ARE NOT FANTASY CARS (a real pet peeve of mine) and they can't do gallops for hours and especially on dark, mostly unpaved roads? No, friend.
This movie bugged me so much because it had some real potential. Then again probably all these movies had real potential...
2. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)
As soon as Sean Connery did a lame quip based on "Rue Britannia" early in the film I knew this one was going to stink. And it does. Again, so much potential, wasted. I had never read Alan Moore's fanfic before - oh, excuse me, his re-imagining of public domain characters - but I really enjoyed the concept I'd heard about. Sadly, this movie bites.
(Side note: Some years later I found an issue of the original comic series and it was smutty and the art was the ugliest I'd seen allowed in print and it was so very ugh.)
3. Iron Sky (2012)
I thought a comedy-action movie about Nazis on the Moon couldn't be that bad. (Or, perhaps, "so bad it's good".) I was wrong. I had to shut it off. It was sooooo painful. Secondhand embarrassment in spades. Not even MST-worthy.
4. Three Amigos! (1986)
Okay, it's sorta retro, comedy and humor, and a mistaken identity plot. How bad could it be? I mean, everyone says it's really bad, but sometimes I like those movies and they're not actually that bad.
... This one was so really, really bad, everyone was right.
5. Charade (1963)
This gave me a bunch of cringe, because Cary Grant is literally old enough to be Audrey Hepburn's father and they're supposed to be love interests. Even Grant himself said he was super uncomfortable with it. So the studio said "No problem! He won't be chasing after her, she'll be chasing after him!" Eeeew still wrong. The chemistry isn't here and it's weird and creepy watching her go after a guy who so obviously doesn't want her to.
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